The Lakewood Traffic Report דער לייקוואודער טראפיק-באריכט

Good morning, and welcome to the Lakewood Traffic Report, the only report that is always right, because the answer is always the same: "It's stuck."

7:15 AM: Route 9

Heavy traffic is reported on Route 9 northbound. The cause: white minivans full of boys on their way to cheder, each with a three-layer sandwich, and a father still saying Tehillim under his breath at the red light.

8:40: Clifton Avenue

Clifton Avenue is moving slowly. A yungerman stopped in the middle of the street to say "Shalom aleichem" to a friend from yeshiva he hasn't seen since yesterday. The cars behind him wait patiently. One honks — just to say "Shalom aleichem" too.

1:30 PM: Between Sedorim

This is the hardest time of day. Hundreds of yungeleit drive home from kollel for lunch, and hundreds drive back. It is reported that some have already arrived back at kollel before they arrived home.

6:00 PM: The Light by Forest

And now the report everyone has been waiting for: "the light by Forest Avenue." Researchers have not yet determined whether the light ever turns green. Several witnesses say they saw it, but two kosher witnesses are still needed.

A Guest from Williamsburg

A Chasidish Yid from Williamsburg, in town for a bar mitzvah, told us: "You call this traffic? By us on Lee Avenue people park in the second row, the third row, and sometimes on the sidewalk — and you get there!" We asked how long it took him to get here. "Three hours," he said, "but that's because I stopped for a coffee."

County Line: The Final Report

County Line is reportedly clear. It has not yet been confirmed whether this is true or just a rumor some bochur started.

And one thing must be said in Lakewood's favor: when a car breaks down on a Lakewood street, five cars stop to help — one brings cables, one brings water, and one brings a vort on the parsha. The traffic is slow — but the chesed moves fast.